Some Thoughts

As this fall has drawn closer, I seem to be more preoccupied than normal. I recently posted something about being so busy it feels like we're never home...I think that I've come to realize that this is maybe the only way I function. I have some various thoughts below that I just need to vent about because they've been on my mind lately.

Being Busy: At the end of every week I think, next week will be better, we have nothing going on, and then next week comes and our schedule fills up once again. Hmmmm, curious. How does this happen, by accident? At first I thought that things just came up and I added them to the plan and so goes the flow...however, lately I've noticed that maybe I just take stuff on because I function better by being busy. I mean, I do know this to be true, it does help a person schedule and maintain tasks better when there is only a limited amount of time, so...?? I guess it may help me cope better by knowing this information, I just have to be careful not to take on too much, which I am very guilty of doing.

Back to School: Fall is marked by new clothes, cool weather, apples, and back to school. But this year, there was no back to school for me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm generally conflicted. In some ways I'm happy....I LOVE being home with Sophia and knowing what she eats and learns and plays with all day and I truly couldn't imagine not being here. BUT...I also miss school. I miss the planning, the friends, the kids, the projects, and yes, even the drama, because let's be real, I am a drama queen! I don't think I want to be back full time, I just don't think I could do it whole-heartedly, but I would like to be more involved in a project for me. I know that there are things I can do and a way to figure it out, but on the other hand, I don't know how ready I am to delve into planning that task, either (ie: day care for a day or two, work clothes, etc.)! I am so fickle, right!? I am confident that I will find my niche again soon, but until then I will just daydream about the things I want to do!

Sophia's Birthday: OMG! I absolutely can't believe she's going to be a year old. Every day she is closer to being a walking, talking, little kid! It's thrilling and exciting and memorable, but it kinda freaks me out! As I said in an earlier post, I'm both happy and sad about her new milestones. A lot really can happen in year. On a lighter note, though, this does give me a chance to throw one heck of a theme party, and boy-howdy do I love those!!! Her theme this year is dogs, for obvious reasons, and I am way excited to pull it off. I am trying to be realistic, though, and not go all Tori Spelling on a first birthday!

My Dad: With the advancement of Sophia's birthday, is also the knowledge that my dad has been gone for almost a year. I'm not so sure how I'm dealing with this, either. If I can't believe that Soph is a year, I REALLY can't believe my dad has been gone this long. It's almost as if it becomes more real this way. In some ways, I've coped really well, and in others, I think...wow, this is the same stuff I've been thinking about every day for a year. Awesome. I know that time heals all wounds, but I reminded every day by how much I miss him. I think that November is going to be a really sucky month for me this year with both his birthday and Thanksgiving, which happen to be the same day this year, and the fact that this was the one holiday that we spent with him and his family and now he won't be there.

More Kids: Charlie and I are still in discussions about our future family. We both want more kids, for sure...but Charlie's plan is for me to have twin boys and then another girl to round it out. Yeah, sure. I'm no spring chicken here, honey...four kids is a lot! I'm willing to talk about two or three, but four??? I don't know if I can handle it. I'm getting a little itchy for pregnancy #2, but there is also that worry about change that consumes me! I worry about how to love two babies and how I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night again, and then get up and deal with a toddler. I worry about my sanity, and let's be honest, I worry about my hygiene. I'm not really that much of clean-freak, about my house or my body...I know this sounds gross, but I'm not foul or anything, I just don't have a need, or sometimes the time, to shower every day. But my point here is this, what's going to happen when I have even less time? I shudder to think about it.

Politics: sigh...Usually I would be all fired up about this election, but my heart just isn't in it. You are probably not surprised that I am a die-hard Hilary fan and am still getting over her non-nomination. I will say that I do feel better and even a little more feisty since the DNC and I did enjoy Obama's speech. And, I have been totally consumed by this whole McCain/Palin drama and don't even bother asking my opinions on her unless you're ready for an ear-full! But, I just haven't had the time to be as drawn-in as I normally am. I think that I will eventually succumb to the excitement of the next few months because let's be real, I can't stand by and watch another 4 years of GOP "leadership" go on without a fight!

All in all, I love my life. I have a wonderfully loving and helpful husband who is supportive and generous. I have a great family, both mine and Charlie's, who are also supportive and loving, and I truly don't want to sound complainey, but these are the thoughts of a girl who is in the process of transitioning from a die-hard, stay at school until all hours and give my blood, sweat and tears teacher to a stay-at-home-mom, so bear with me! :)